stop! listen! hark, if you will! i know the things that dissapear when you walk out of the room! dissapear, poetry, unlabeled chunks and undone vectors.. none of it matters. nothing is on this page, your just thinking of it. third eyes dont exist, but fourth ones do. this isnt an art project, everything is an art project... last time you bled, the red scattered itself on the floor in the morse code for the entire french version of charmes by paul valéry, you just didnt know morse code well enough to tell. i dont either, i just made that up. i dont even know who you are! but you know who i am. you know my full name, but everytime you think of it i wipe your memory 2 seconds, so you forget it again. thats why. you actually know me very well, we met in the outer galaxies when i was still being born within the core of a planets sun filled with water and fire and violence.. we met when i was en utero..

okay, so just listen. i have something important to say. just... listen. okay? are you hearing me? can you hear me? could you hear me before? then, why arent you saying anything? well, i know you are. im using my sonar systems. but why arent you talking? talk to me, okay? i have something to say. i have something to talk about. its really important, okay? just listen. just listen to me, this is extremely important...

okay, listen. this is real. this isnt the start of a cult, or a weird art project, im just taking something real and making it poetic, and artistic. but this is real. back in 9th grade, i had a few months long paranoid delusion where i was completely, entirely convinced i was either in a dream, or some kind of 3d game. i dont buy into conspiracy theories that state that, i dont care about conspiracy theories. i dont care whats real and whats not. but that was different then seeing something and thinking "yeah, that makes sense". i SAW it. i was convinced if i tried really, really hard, i could open my eyes. and be, i dont know where. be wherever i was supposed to be. the REAL world. i would look at the sky, and know it wasnt real. look at my arms moving in front of me, and know they were being controlled by some kind of... 3rd party. a vr headset, wires, gears, buttons, lights... i dont know. i would see things, and just think "thats not real." i knew it wasnt. people didnt seem real, when the spoke it seemed like dialog that was pre-recorded.. i would sit in the bathroom for around an hour some nights, looking around.. at my hands, the walls, myself in the mirror... trying to open my eyes. trying to WAKE UP. eventually, it went away. but i still sometimes believe that maybe, maybe... i saw something real. maybe it wasnt a delusion. maybe for a moment, i slipped through the cracks. maybe it was realer then what we call "reality"... but i still dont entirely believe that.. i guess its good i havent entirely lost it, maybe.. more then halfway...

during that time, i also occasionally hallucinated. it was mostly shadows moving in the corner of my vision, people running past.. i once hallucinated that the door to my room opened in the corner of my eye for just a second, and an almost blinding light filled my room.. but when i looked, it wasnt there. i hallucinated people dropping things. i would be talking to someone, and see them drop something in full, complete view, and then when i asked about it, it was still in their hands. i hallucinated things running towards me every so often, and it scared me. it horrified me. listen, none of that has ever happened to me again. listen to me. why? why that one year? why not the worst years of my life? why was that year, THAT year, special? i dont understand. i dont get it. why did all of it just... go away? sometimes, even though i know its a horrible thing to wish for... i want it to come back. i want to see all of it again, FEEL all of it again. even though i was insane, that i probably should have been in a ward somewhere.. i just want to know. i need to know if what i saw was an actual hallucination, or was it just some one-off things i saw accidentally? was it connected to my delusion? was any of it delusion at all? why did my whole reality fall apart and crack at the seams that ONE year?

and in the moment, you might think im insane. you might think im a completely crazy, 50 year old, scitzophrenic old man. but im not. i know im strange, i know im probably kind of crazy, i know a 15 year old girl shouldnt be thinking this, that i should atleast wait to go insane... but i cant help it. a while ago, when i was about to fall asleep, i swear i felt a tongue touching mine. ive tried to recreate the feeling with anything else, find a solution, so far i cant. there was music playing. it was a song i know, some etherial, slighly angelic song. i dont remember it for the life of me. i saw grey lights through my eyes, swirling clouds, and then i opened my eyes and it was gone. it was the first time ive hallucinated in probably 6 months. i dont know. maybe i need to go somewhere. maybe i just need more meaning in my life, though its almost impossible when ive already figured out that its all meaningless... maybe i need to talk to someone. maybe i need to be medicated. maybe i just need to go back to bed. im completely aware this is an insane thing to say, and do, and make. i know. i know ive probably lost it, and i am embarassed of it. i just... feel like i need to put this all somewhere. to avoid holding it for too long, like a heavy bag. even though typing all this is making me feel slightly nauseous with guilt, though i dont know why.....

okay. im done being honest now. thats enough, its too overwhelming.. start speaking in the signs of lemons and overgrown peach trees instead.. if i knew the language, id teach you. i would! i promise. you just have to read the right books. yes, the right ones. no, i wont tell you what those are. shut up, i dont like your voice. im sorry, the menacing sphere put me in a bad mood... atleast im not seeing shapes anymore..