11/7/24
lalallalalaaaaa. i dont even remember why i was so upset in the last entry but whatever it was idgaf anymore... embarassing.. anyway not much has happened at all ever in my whole life. ive had 9 million different crushes all lasting like a week that didnt matter at all, i have 20 missing assignments somehow? i got caught skipping bc of some dumbass lockout drill but nobody in the office gaf, and halloween. but nothing happened on halloween. i feel like nothing ever happens to me ever, but on lowk maybe it does and i just forget... idk.. but im on everything i own so so so tired lately. so so tired. i wake up tired i go to bed tired im tired all day im just TIREEDDDD. i dont ever wanna do any assignments ever bc like by now who gaf. im not getting into a college. i just cant bring myself to careeee like whateveeeerrrrr...... but anyway lowk like i said i have 8 million crushes but none of them are like real real. none like H or the one guy i was obsessed w before him everyones just boring and everythings just boring... goodbye #igotracksnowrhonda
10/5/24
honestly now that im thinking abt it maybe i am a bad person. like an actually bad hateful person. when i look bck at things i said and did in 8th grade and early 9th its crazy to me bc i was so genuinely nice.. and i feel like smth changed when H left i feel like i just stopped giving a fuck about literally anything i stopped caring about grades or opinions or trying to be a good person or anything else i should actually gaf abt. nothing feels real anymore. i feel like nothing thats happened to me has actually happened i feel like everythings fake bc lowk i just forget everything right after it happens.. and eventually its like whats the point in even doing anything bc i wont remember it and it wont effect me in any meaningful way. like obviously nothing i do matters or will ever matter but im starting to think in the span of my own life it doesnt matter either. like yk. if i had the absolute worst day of my life yesterday i would have already completely forgotten by this morning. i feel like nothing really actually effects me anymore and i dont mean that in a "heh... yeah... i dont feel anything.. YEAAHHH.... im kinda.. an alpha with a cold heart 🙄💔⛓️💥" i mean like im fr getting worried bc nothing has any effect on my mood or life at all rn. i just dont want to do anything ever bc i feel like theres no point im so tired and angry and mean all the time and i dont want to talk to anyone. and i tried to turn to religion for that and i feel like im happier now i have aphrodite but i still dont have literally any sense of actual PURPOSE or MEANING to my life. whatever
10/2/24
I HAVENT BEEN ON HERE IN SO LONG OH MY GYATT.... sorry. sorryyy. okay updates- not talking abt H again. he switched to online school and im doing better now at getting over him. i literally barely ever think abt him ever. so thats good. i literally havent gaf abt M since that happened HELLPPPPPPP IDK WHY THE LAST ENTRY WAS SO EMO I DONT GIVE A FUCK AND I DIDNT REALLY THEN... BUT OK.. and after that i only got w 1 other person who was this girl who was so fine it made me want to kms but that talking stage lasted 1 day so whatever bru idec bru. plus she got suspended yesterday so #karma. other then that literally idk what else changed everythings exactly the same but i have slightly different music taste now... sometimes i get kinda upset that nothing ever happens in my life but honestly whatever idgaf. ive skipped i think 5 classes this year so far and havent gotten caught yet if thats interesting. and i have a little crush on bestfriend2s friend but i dont actually have literally any intention of doing anything abt it so who gaf. and also this boy i keep seeing who looks EXACTLY like buckshot its actually kinda crazy. but yesterday my best looked him up on instagram and he climbs towers and goes in abandoned buildings for fun?? that doesnt make me not want him and i would literally do that but why are you crazy.. why are you weird.. anyway ive also gotten called down to the office 9 million times this year for texting my best on the school computer saying "im gonna kms" as a fucking JOOKEEEEE... and also that i was gonna blow up the school bc papas cupcakaria wasnt working. ok they faces killing me that was so obviously a joke ur weird...... anyway its almost halloween and im matching costumes w best as fluttershy and rarity so im actually lowk excited abt that even though i usually hate halloween.... so peace and love to all of that ig
8/11/24
i was joking in the last one when i was talking abt him fucking on side hoes but he actually was. he just got with a new girl after ghosting me for 3 days. i keep seeing them all up on eachother in the halls. whatever i didnt love him but idk it still makes me sad and really really really angry. i hate both of them. anyway the first day of school was bad. it was bad. i dont like it. im alone and everyone in my class is annoying and i hate everyone in my school. but omg when i was at lunch with bestfriend3 i turned around to look at the door and my middle school crush i liked for 3 whole years was there. just there. nobody told me abt that btw. can you let me know about that next time. is that okay. and yeah hes fine. yeah. but idk i cant really truly be attracted to anyone besides H. its so weird. he hasnt been at school yet though so whatever. whatever. im kind of just hopeless rn. picture day is tmrw. idk. maybe i'll be alone all year and every year after that or maybe ill be completely fine. i really dont care rn
8/7/24
school is tomorrow. i dont think i have ever been more mad at anything in my ENTIRE LIFE. i dont want to go i dont i dont i have never wanted to do anything less. i hope i get shot i genuinely do i hope i die. and M hasnt texted me in 3 FUCKING DAYS and then he posts a note that says "i love my baby smmm". IK FOR A FACT TS IS NOT ABOUT ME SO WHY COULDNT YOU HAVE ATLEAST TOLD ME SMTH BEFORE YOU FUCKED NASTY ON YOUR SIDE HOES?? WHY COULDNT YOU LET ME KNOW BEFORE YOU WHORED OUT TO OTHER GIRLS?? I HATE YOU. I HATE YOU. i am so mad and i dont even have a first day outfit picked bc it hasnt really set it that tomorrow im going to have to go to school for like 100 more years because ive been too distracted to think abt it. i just want to die i really really just want to die. and ik that ive been saying i want H back but first of all he was literally my first love and im not gonna get over him that easily. second of all i didnt FUCKING CHEAT WITH HIM SO YOU CAN FUCK OFF AND KYS. im so mad im sorry i need to stop being mad before i write these but tbh it doesnt give the same emotion. it would be less embarassing though. whatever i want everyone dead including myself and im so sad and i dont have a FIRST DAY OUTFIT. fml
8/4/24
school is in 4 days. 4 DAYS. 4. DAYYYSSS. that is so crazy to me. like can you please leave me alone. i feel like summer lasted 2 hours but i also feel like i havent been in school for like 5 years. idk. i keep rereading the old entries on here and feeling crazy bc how was that me. i barely even remember any of the stuff that i was writing about. thats so insane. im completely convinced im done for and im never making any new friends again ever past this year so im not really expecting anything. i just hope it isnt as bad as it was in middle school or smth bc i think if it is i just have to kill myself. like on genuine. idk im dying my hair blonde today and if it looks ugly then whatever theres nothing i can do about that. idk i feel really crazy lately im not really sad or happy. today im really mad though bc im breaking out really bad and i cant stop thinking about H and theres like 5 good sematary edits on tiktok and im scared im going to be alone forever and school is stressing me out and M keeps pissing me off and i keep binge eating and i keep hearing one of winslow houses songs on tiktok so im scared hes gonna be "tiktok music" now and 2 and 3 bestfriend stopped being friends with eachother so now i cant hang out with both of them at once and i cant stop getting really sad about turnabout leaving haunted mound. okay.
8/3/24
i really wish i never met H. i cant stop thinking about him and its making me want to die. im not kidding i would do literally anything to have him back. i have never in my life meant it when i said i was in love besides when i said i was in love with him. i loved him. i loved him. i loved him in the most wholehearted and genuine way that i think anyone has ever loved anyone. i LOVED him. i feel like i cant say that enough times for anyone to understand me i loved him in such a real way. it was like all consuming. everytime i thought about him i got so happy i came home the day we hung out the first time and i couldnt stop smiling and skipping i felt like everything was okay i felt such genuine happiness. why did he have to leave me. i keep trying to fill the void but it hasnt worked and idk if it ever will. i just want him back and that sucks so fucking bad because everytime i get into a talking stage i always just end up falling out of love and i start hating them because they arent H. they never will be. no matter how much i pretend and say im over him i dont know if its ever going to happen and im tired of it because i know he doesnt want me and its so genuinely painful for me because he is the only person ive ever wanted. and hes just nostalgia. i can never have him. fuck
8/1/24
M texted me back LMAOOOO OVERREACTED AGAIN...... HIS WIFI JUST CUT OUT LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES W BESTFRIEND3. idk why i didnt immediately assume that but whatever i was crazy im normal now. we talked abt csm and he said hes literally denji and im literally asa. CAN I HAVE YOUUUUUU. anyway moving on i bought a bunch of clothes and their all so cutieeee... im completely changing my style next year to like older brother in the 2000s. nettspend. i just really want to be nettspend but as a girl. i might dye my hair blonde too... idk. school starts in one week. im mostly hopeless abt that bc not a SINGLE ONE OF MY FRIENDS ARE IN ANY OF MY CLASSES EVEN THOUGH WE'RE IN THE SAME HONORS??? YOUR STUPIDDDD YOUR DUMB AND UGLY AND FAT AND I HATE YOU. but oh well. i just hope i have lunch with them or ill kill mysellfff im serious
7/29/24
why cant ANYTHING EVER GO RIGHT FOR ME. IN MY ENTIRE LIFE. why did both of the men ive actually confessed too ghost me. M hasnt texted me in 2 days. and he didnt reply to my message. im so mad im so mad im so mad. if he doesnt reply to me today im actually going to go completely insane because WHY CANT I HAVE FUCKING ANYTHINGGGG. i just want to die rn i miss my friends and i have to go to school in like a week and i dyed my hair but it made literally no difference and i sleep like 4 hours a night and im relapsing into my ed. ive eaten 1 actual meal the past week. im doneeeeeeeeeeeeeee IM DONEEEEEE. IM DONE. the only thing keeping me from going insane is sematary and the fact i get to shop for clothes sometime this week. UUUUGGGHH
7/28/24
BITCH!!!!!!!! ok i know i havent made one of these in so long im sorryyyy im sorry but i had to pull up bc i have a new man. im officialy mostly over H. mostly. like 90%. but this new guy is my friends brother and bestfriend3 keeps telling me how gross and weird he is but i think everyone thinks that abt their siblings... bestfriend1 says that too and she reads every single message i send to him bc she has the password to my insta but WHATEVER IDGAF. i just want to be loved. i just need male attention. and its not like hes ugly hes just a lil weird and who gaf about that.. but he does journalism and hes really tall and he likes jake webber and johnny whatever his last name is i forget rn. i think i love him. i'll call him M from now on because thats a letter in his name. he asked me to hang out sometime within like hours of talking so maybe im scared about that but whatever i think thats how love is supposed to be. i think thats how relationships work. hes like 2 years older then me and i have met him irl before but i didnt rlly think abt him that much because 1, i was blinded by H, and 2 he looked way worse before he got a haircut. im pretty sure i love him. anyway today i went to the mall with bestfriend3 and his friend and it was really silly, and then we went to his friends house and just laughed at really bad tiktoks for too long. i think i had the best sleep of my whole life there. i was sleeping with half of a blanket sideways on the floor under one of those beds on stilts, and bestfriend3 kept kicking me while he slept. i have never been more comfortable. we also went to the side of a really big river near their house and it was so beautifullll the only thing i was thinking about the whole time was the song sleep patterns by merchant ships. there was a lot of trash around, and a pile of dead fish, because a lot of homeless people live under the bridge and the dam. but it was so beautiful. the walk there 2000000 dogs barked at us through the fence and i kinda thought i was going to be on the news for being maimed by a dog. but everything was so pretty and i miss it already and i want to go back
6/22/24
omfg i havent done one of these in foreevverrrrrrrr.... im back now thou and omg. okay updates, my laptop broke bc i fell down the stairs at my besties house which was so embarassing istg i wanted to KILL MYSELF.. but i got it fixed and it got back like an hour ago so oh well. i finished freshman year and overall it was ok? like ok. nothing rlly happened but i was sickeningly depressed for most of it. ive been saying forever that sophmore years gonna be my peak thou so PRAY FOR ME. PLEASE. and regarding H he randomly ghosted me. like for no reason. he just stopped talking to me after that week. yes i miss him yes i think abt him everyday no i cant read through the entrys where we were in love yes i get the kms urge when i think abt it. whateverrrrr. WHATEVER. but other then that ive been doing better lately..... i had to do summer gym for my PE creds which wasnt that bad bc i had besties there and lowk lifting weights is kinda fun sometimes. but im excited for this summer ive already done more then i did the entire summer b4 9th grade. and my pou is level 25. mayb everything is going to be ok
5/3/24
hello everyone. im tweaking out once again. first of all my period cramps have been so bad i had to go home from school at lunch yesterday because i thought i was going to die and pass out and throw up. second of all im sad for no reason again like EVERY OTHER DAY.. LIKE DAMN...... but omgggg i have to do smth about it one day bc why do i keep doing this. nothing rlly bad is even happening in my life i have friends and my family is ok i guess and i dont get bullied like i did in middle school. but i still tweak out anyway. like its pissing me off by now why cant i just lock in and be happy and normal why do i have to get suicidal every 10 seconds. stop making me mad. and my stomach hurts so bad for no reason and im still in pain and i think H is gonna kill himself bc he was gone all week and he looked so sad today and i couldnt even talk to him and hes the only person alive ive wanted to talk too all week. i miss him so bad and i feel horrible for not being able to do anything about it. and i just want to go to sleep for like 3 years and not wake up untill everything is better. whatever i need to take advil and go to bed
4/18/24
i was literally so happy all day and then the second i got home i got the kms urge again. your making me maaddddd omfg why am i so upset over this boy. i was emo when i didnt talk to him and now im emo bc i do. its not even that fr though im sad bc im so dissapointed. i had a whole idea in my head of what talking to him would be like and its just. ohmygod. im just fr tired of being brave like that sounds so stupid but like getting out of your comfort zone and getting nothing in return is so annoying. i wish he could be braver for a second i wish he could actually talk to me first and TEXT ME BACK. and when i do see him we both just talk to bestfriend3 bc hes there too and only sometimes actually talk to eachother and never for a long time and thinking about it pisses me off so bad. i cant talk about it this is abt to make me mad ok anyway. the rest of today was good i watched the monster high movie on my friends computer in social studies and it stormed out so we kept scream laughing saying it was the storm from fortnite. we are all 8 years old. anywya ive been so nostalgic for 6th grade lately even more then i normally am. like once a month i have to read through the whole website i made for me and my friends minecraft server back then and listen to all the songs i used to have on repeat. it heals me physically istg
4/14/24
ive been putting off writing another entry in here or my irl diary bc i literallyjust dont wanna talk abt the trip. like it wasnt that bad besides the fact that i had to stand up on a train completely full of people for 2 whole hours its just boring to write about. idek why i just dont want too. so just trust. anyway me and H see eachother like everyday now and guys. hes a lil. weird. like im not saying i dont like him just sometimes when he says or does smth its like why would you do that. yk. idk i still like him and i will still be defending him with my life everytime my friends say hes weird because thats my man. but its kinda making me sad bc ik its not gonna last he literally never answers my texts untill like 8000000 hours after i send them and we only see eachother twice a day and only talk a little when we see eachother. and just in general we arent rlly like. compatible. idk. the first time i talked to him i was screaming abt him not being cringe but he was probably just not doing it then. whatever i still love him im just emo rn dont even listen to me
4/3/24
ITS MY BIRTHDAYYYYYYYYYYYY!!! MAKE SOME NOISE FOR SEXY REDDDD MAKE SOME NOISE YALL WHAT THE FUCK!! im literally nottt doing anything for my birthday today besides my mom making me a cake and pasta for dinner. but tommorrow im literally going on a 3 day trip to CHICAGO. which is so insane bc i literally never go anywhere ever and now im going like 400000000 miles away from my city to CHICAGO!!!! im kindof so scared i feel like im gonna get hit by a car or kidnapped or smth. but whatever bc i get to go to an aquarium!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! im fr so excited omfg. anyway happy biiirthdaayy. tooo meeeeeeee. im 15 now which doesnt matter at all to anyone but that means next summer ill be 16. SIXTEEN. ill be able to drive and get a job and have a sweet 16 like the dazey and the scouts song. oh my god im so scared i hate getting older i do NOTTTTTTTTT want to be an adult. and ik 16 is not adult but its 2 YEARS AWAY FROM 18. i seripusly still forget im not in 7th grade im not ready for this. whateverrr i cant get exsistential rn its literally my birthday. i cant have a midlife crisis yet
3/27/24
HIIII EVERYONEEE!!!! I LOVE MY MAN!! I LOVE EVERYTHING EVER AND EVERYTHING IS BEAUTIFUL. last post was a false alarm sorrrryyy. he does want me. i was being dramatic bc i was having a psychotic episode please never listen to me again. we text everyday and i talked to him irl yesterday and omg. yall. today there was some basketball game at my school and we went together and UUSHDGUDIFJHDWIEDJF. we literally couldnt figure out how to get in the bleachers so we just stood there for 1000 years and talked. he is so silly and so fine and so tall. like insanely tall and his eyes are so prettyyyyyyy. and it literally wasnt akward talking to him at all i expected it to be kinda quiet and weird but hes so easy to talk too. omg im being a creep rn sorry but im so excited to talk to him again when i get off break. jddjfhjdhfju
3/19/24
i did it. i made bestfriend3 tell him like 2 days ago. and i said "oh hes gonna be dissapointed when you say its me" and he was. idk that exactly but he didnt say that he 100% wanted me. and he said "ill text her later today or tomorrow night!!" hey. no he didnt. hey he literally just didnt. i made a whole discord account for him and he just didnt text me. by making the account i did realize i can still get into my old acct from 2020 and i went through all of me and his old texts and omg. i was so embarassing. but oml our convos are so sweet its like 90% just him calling me then me saying i cant talk bc im playing minecraft. im being so serious rn i did that like 40 times it was so funny. anyway i stayed up until 2am yesterday texting bestfriend3 waiting for him to text me because im a DUMBASS. because im STUPID. dont be like me dont ever be like me dont ever do that for a man. especially one that doesnt want you. dont ever ever ever do what i did for any reason. and after that i got sick so im staying home and thats where i am rn. listening to mitskis whole discography and fighting the kms urge. i feel so stupid and thats bc i am. DONT EVER TALK TO MEN. DONT TALK TO MEN. DONT FALL IN LOVE WITH MEN. DONT MAKE THE MISTAKES I DID!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HEED MY WARNING DONT FUCKING DO IT FOR ANY REASON!!
3/15/24
ok so bestfriend3 is friends with H right. and he said he'll put me on w him. but im horrified out of my mind bc i have never asked anyone out in my whole life. ive never had a relationship in my life either which is normal bc im young asf but still idk wtf im doing. and everytime i think abt actually confessing to him i actually get nauseous like im so scared. and im literally ugly btw like just saying that. thats mostly why im scared bc i am UGLY. and another thing is he knew me in 5th- early 6th and i was such a freak. like i was an anime pfp furry flamingo fan. OH MY GOD ITS SO EMBARASSING IT MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. and if he says no im going into isolation forever. but if he says yes i also might so into isolation forever bc my other fears are like. what do i do. like what are you supposed to do when your in a relationship. i actually dont know im not playing with you i have no idea. whatever i have his spotify and i just keep going through it again and again like its gonna change one of the times i look at it. but guys he listens to yumi. and watches tgc. and he has a catgirl pfp. god i need him
3/10/24
first of all i got a B on that spanish assignment. CLEARED. ATE. im still failing that class but like i memorized 47 flash cards in 3 days. im proud of myself for that fr.. but other then that like nothing has happened. atleast nothing i can remember. ive been so happy lately thougghhh its like crazy. it feels so weird to be genuinely happy after so long of wanting to kms fr. joyful as hell. ive just been playing webkinz and rewatching old flamingo videos because i was OBSESSEDDDDD with him in elementary and it reminds me of my childhood. but seeing "4 years ago" under the videos is crazy to me. like when u see 4 years ago you expect it to be like 2016 and then it was posted in 2020. omg the passing of time is crazy
3/4/24
so i bought RED. RED. REDDDDD. box dye from walmart and dyed my hair yesterday. and it literally came out orange. like dark copper orange. so now ima ginger and like it isnt that bad i actually fr like how it looks but its just kind of annoying bc on the box it was literally red..... but anyway theres 100 ants in my room now bc every spring and summer every ant in america shows up in my room to crawl on my walls and desk and everything else ever. its so gross and annoying but oh well... i have like 80 ant traps out + i sprayed raid + theyll starve sometime bc im not dirty and nasty and gross. i complain so much on here im sorry other then that im doing really well fr. im actually happy rn and ive been locking in more at school. ive been studying so hard for that spanish assignment i mentioned 4 billion years ago for so long. so. long. so i think im ready.... but im still kinda nervous fr bc this is like my last hope to get my grade up before either the semester or quarter i dont remember which ends and grades are finalized. im an atheist but pray for me anyway frrr
2/29/24
today was actually a good day fr.... nothing specifically good happened but nothing bad happened either so who cares. but omg H got a haircut and it looks so bad. his hair was past his ears before and it looked so fluffy and cute and then he got a LOW TAPER FADE. LIKE THE SONG. LIKE "imagine if ninja got a LOW TAPER FAADEE". hes fr exactly like yumi bc he literally did that too. he looks almost exactly like yumi too maybe thats why i want him so bad but dont tell anyone. anyway im kind of glad he did bc i need to get over him like actualllyyyyyy... im obsessed w him in a really unhealthy way and ik i need to stop but i literally do this with every single person i fall in love with. i was in love w my last crush for 3 WHOLE YEARS. i only fell out of love w him bc we went to different highschools. and also because he had long beautiful brown hair and then he got a buzzcut. it ruined my life istg i was in mourning for like a week.... i was so depressed omg it was not that serious
2/28/24
literally slept 2 hours last night. im going kind of completely insane lately. idk what my problem is but ive been so sad for so long now like nothing that bad is even happening to me. besides H not wanting me and also being lonely like nothing else in my life is bad. its fr just me im like going into psychosis or something. but i refuse to tell literally anyone irl bc thats corny and embarassing and ill probably delete this entry later too bc i cannot talk abt my feelings fr. but whatever idegaf. idk why i get so carnally depressed over a man that was wearing a street fighter hoodie and red checker pj pants today. typing that just made me want him more omfg i have to log off im abt to start throwing up
2/27/24
so i actually went to school today. and i was right i did have like 900000 trillion missing assignments i literally had to much to do for no reason. + i have 55 flashcards i need to draw, color, and memorize in my spanish class. and its due in 3. DAYS. it was assigned today btw. with 20 minutes left of class. idk what drugs my spanish teacher thinks im on to be able to do that... but anyway H wasnt even here today so it was not worth it. and bestfriend3 was gone in art class so i was alone and dying. i just sat on my phone the whole time which i wont be able to do after spring break btw because their banning phones at my school. and making us put them in these like foam bags all day. bye its so annoying. phones arent even that big of a problem imo but ok. the only good thing that happened today is that i got to see 2 and 3 bestfriend at lunch. and i also ate one of those lemon hostess cupcakes at lunch and OMFG. those are the best things on earth.
2/26/24
im staying home from school today because im sick. like every other day of my life. i fr get stomach sick once a week im so tired of ittttttt and everytime i go to a doctor they say "its because of anxiety!!" no its not. i dont get so anxious that i get sick for days on end on a weekly basis i am tired of you. atleast i get to stay home and work on this website and play roblox all day. even though ill be worried about the assignments im missing the whole time bc my teachers assign 9 million assignments per day. it doesnt matter anyway bc i am not going to school sick idec.. but anyway im dying my hair fully dark red this weekend. i usually just do the bottom layer of my hair, but im feeling insane rn. if it doesnt look good im going bald (joke)
2/24/24
first entry on here is everything u need to know abt me to understand these. GET READY BC THIS IS KIND OF ALOT. so im in love with this guy that i used to be bestfreinds with in 5th grade, then stopped because we went to different middle schools, but one day he fr just appeared in my art class. like randomly showed up 2 weeks after school started. (but we dont talk because im scared of him) you needed to know that because i will be talking abt him on here sometimes. ill just call him H, for him. because im too scared to put his actual inital. i also have 3 friends, who im gonna call bestfriend1, bestfriend2, and bestfriend3. or just 1, 2, and 3 for short. write that all down it will be on the quiz.